Chinless Ophthalmologist Wins Second Term

The Syrians must really love Bashar Assad, as he came in with 97.62% of the vote.

Syrian President Bashar Assad won a referendum on extending his presidency for second term, garnering 97.62 percent of votes.

At a press conference, Interior Minister Bassam Abdel-Majid said 95.86 percent of eligible voters – 11.19 million – took part in the vote. Only 1.71 percent voted against renewing Assad's presidency for another term.

The 1.71% were immediately executed. OK. Just kidding.

These figures remind me of the totals Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein used to get before they ceased to exist. Oh, wait, some say Castro is still alive, though I haven't seen the evidence.

This just in: Jimmy Carter has just certified the vote, so it's official.