NFL Week 3

After a dreadful 4-11-1 in Week 2, all I can say is "Don't Tase Me, Bro!"

If things get any worse, I may wind up on the lam like a Clinton fundraiser.

The ledger now stands at 11-18-3 for the year, but there's plenty of time left.

As always, these selections are for recreational (some would say comedic) purposes and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wagers.

SUNDAY

JETS -3 Dolphins: Won't be a cakewalk for sputtering Jets offense, but they've handled Miami at home in recent years and need to get a W in the worst way. Jets 20-13

Colts -6 TEXANS: Indy eager to deliver message to surprisingly unbeaten Houston: You're not quite in our league yet. Colts 26-17

Chargers -5 PACKERS: Let's put it this way, the Chargers are seething over being wiped out by New England, have a far better defense than the Giants, LT is due to break loose and Favre is due for a few INT's. Still, Norvelous Norv already has them worried in San Diego. Chargers 31-20

CHIEFS -3 Vikings: Home opener for KC and Vikings may start Kelly Holcomb. One of the Chiefs' few wins for 2007. Chiefs 20-16

Lions +6 EAGLES: Two teams going in opposite directions, and McNabb is already mired in controversy. It will be getting ugly soon in Philly. Detroit has the weapons to win outright. Lions 27-23

Bills +16.5 PATRIOTS: New England has looked unstoppable first two weeks and Buffalo is still reeling over Kevin Everett situation. Points way too high, though, and Bills should keep it respectable. Patriots 31-17

49ers +9 over STEELERS: Not completely sold on Pittsburgh just yet and 49ers should be able to grind it out enough to stay close. Steelers 20-13

Cardinals +8 RAVENS: Overrated Ravens think they'll have a field day here, but Cardinals have covered five straight as a road dog and four in a row overall. Ravens 23-17

Rams +3.5 over BUCS: Rams have way too many weapons to be an underdog to Bucs and need to get it together now. Rams 27-14

BRONCOS -3 over Jaguars: Broncos lucky they're not 0-2 and need to break out over enigmatic Jags. Laying only three in Denver too easy to pass up. Broncos 30-13

REDSKINS -3.5 over Giants: Chris Cooley salivating at the thought of being uncovered all day. Had higher hopes for the NYG, but giving up an average of 40 ppg, those hopes are long gone. Tom Coughlin watch begins tonight around 7:15. Redskins 31-20

SEAHAWKS -3.5 Bengals: Probably a shootout here, and the number is fairly low against a team that gave up 51 points to Cleveland. The Giants have competition for most porous defense. Seahawks 38-31

RAIDERS -3 Browns: Cleveland probably won't score 51 points total their next three games and suddenly scrappy Raiders due to win one. Raiders 21-16

Panthers -3.5 FALCONS: The Joey Harrington era closes in Atlanta. Carolina embarrassed at home by Houston last week and will be angry. Panthers 33-10

SUNDAY NIGHT

BEARS -3 Cowboys: Tony Romo plummets back to earth, though Wrecks Grossman keeps it close. As always, The Olbermann Rule is in effect. Bears 17-13

MONDAY NIGHT

SAINTS -4 Titans: New Orleans need to snap to it quickly, and home opener on national television should provide enough motivation. Saints 31-24