Brits Finally Resolve Biggest Crisis

No, they're still freeing dangerous al Qaeda members. That, apparently, isn't that big a deal.

It's those life-threatening salt shakers they're at war against.

Pot-holed roads, crumbling schools, litter-strewn streets – there’s no shortage of problem areas crying out for their attention.

But councils believe they have found a better use for their money: reducing the number of holes in chip shop salt shakers.

Research has suggested that slashing the holes from the traditional 17 to five could cut the amount people sprinkle on their food by more than half.

For some odd reason, it hasn't occurred to the geniuses that people can still get as much salt as they'd like, though this requires something many Brits aren't familiar with: a little hard work.

Cllr Chris Hobson, leader of the Conservatives, said: ‘This is just silly, a total waste of money in an area where council tax is very high. I’m all for good health but do they really think they are going to stop people using as much salt simply by putting fewer holes in thecellar? They’ll just shake it for longer.’

Beryl Scott, who owns the Chipchase Chippy in Linthorpe in the city, said a council worker had visited the previous week to explain the merits of less salty fish and chips. ‘He said he had a salt cellar with five holes to give me free.

I thought it was a joke. It doesn’t matter how many holes it has, people are going to put on as much salt as they want.’

Another local chip shop owner, Carol Ackerman, who runs Carol’s Plaice in the suburb of Acklam, said: ‘People will just put on more salt if they want more.
‘In fact, we have had some people unscrewing the lids to do so.’