Here a Fatwa, There a Fatwa, Everywhere a Fatwa

Can't accuse these clowns of slacking off on the job.

Taking an afternoon nap, the monotonous drone of vuvuzelas that irritated almost all football fans during the World Cup is OK, and it doesn't matter how much noise a donkey makes, it musn't be touched.

But buy a car raffle ticket and you could be in big trouble, but eating dates from palm trees growing in public areas is acceptable - as long as you don't harm the tree.

These are just some of the 350,000 fatwas, or Islamic religious decrees, that have been thought up by Muslim scholars on their website in Abu Dhabi that has a 'call centre' for those seeking guidance.

They cover a vast range of personal and religious questions submitted online, over the phone or via text to the General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowments (Awqaf).

The centre, which employs 50 scholars, mostly male, has issued a total of 343,121 decrees this year and plans to hire twice the amount of muftis next year to accommodate growing demand for answers.

Vuvuzelas are permissible in soccer stadiums providing they don't exceed 100 decibels which could damage people's hearing, and it is illegal to kill a noisy donkey, bird or other animal, no matter how annoying they are.

Killing Jews and infidels is, of course, acceptable. I'm figuring they have a mostly male staff because someone issued a fatwa against women issuing fatwas.

Body paint, henna and make-up are allowed because they are deemed to be temporary, but tattoos are ruled out because they are permanent.

By November 1 Awqaf had issued 298,277 fatwas this year, with most inquiries made by phone. The centre was averaging about 1,000 fatwas a day.