'It is Unbelievable In There; Everyone Is Totally Crazy Once They Are Out of Their Competitions'

Sadly, no medals were awarded for this competition.

NBC couldn't televise the most exciting action at the Olympics in Beijing - the sexual acrobatics of the young competitors in the Olympic Village.

According to veterans of the Games, the world's top athletes were hooking up for the two weeks of competition - with a final burst of sexual release last night on the eve of today's closing ceremonies.

"This sex fest . . . [happened] right here in Beijing," Matthew Syed, a past Olympian and table-tennis champion now working as a commentator, writes in the Times of London. "Olympic athletes have to display an unnatural - and, it has to be said, wholly unhealthy - level of self-discipline in the build-up to big competitions. How else is this going to manifest itself than with a volcanic release of pent-up hedonism?"

Syed notes the big winners, "even those as geeky as Michael Phelps," were the principal objects of desire for many female athletes. Losers also get their share, he said, adding it was "a common sight to see recently knocked-out athletes gorging on Magnums and McDonald's, swilling alcohol and, of course, shagging like crazy."

To make sure the competitors practice safe sex, the Bejing government stocked the Olympic Village with free condoms, and they were scooped up by the handfuls. One Australian athlete told the paper, "It is unbelievable in there; everyone is totally crazy once they are out of their competitions."