Zombie's Footprint Theory of Life

So many footprints, so little time. After reading this all I want to do is stick my footprint up Al Gore's ass for making so many people feel guilty for breathing.

Every time you inhale, you’re using up oxygen. Think about it: What right do you have to all that oxygen? There’s only a limited amount of it in the biosphere, and once we use it all up — we’re all going to suffocate. So every breath you take is a breath you’re stealing from someone else in the future. Eventually, all the oxygen will be gone, and so it should be treated as our most precious resource. And yet everyone breathes in and out 24 hours day without giving it a second thought!

Furthermore, the oxygen in our atmosphere is produced by plants, and thus rightly belongs to those plants. Who was it that said that the workers should own the products of their labor? And yet here we come along, like the exploitative factory owners and capitalists of yore, and seize the oxygen from the plants without permission or compensation, and use it for our own benefit and enrichment.

How to solve this dilemma? You want to lower your oxygen footprint, but still find yourself feeling this overwhelming urge to inhale every time you stop breathing. (Trust me on this — I’ve tried it.) One answer can be found in the practice of yoga; leading yogis have so mastered the art of breath control that they can raise or lower their heart rate and breathing rate at will. With sufficient concentration, you can practically send yourself into hibernation, where your oxygen footprint will be at a minimum.

If you’re uncomfortable with the religious overtones of yoga and yet still want to achieve the same effect, you can simply stop moving around so much. That’s right — stay still, and relax. Chill. The more stuff you do, the more oxygen your body requires. So the answer is simple: Stop doing things!

You could also try only breathing in the contents of helium balloons and giving yourself a little squeaky voice, but that would entail raising your helium footprint, so I’m a little conflicted about that option.

Read the whole thing. It's amazing how many footprints we actually have.