Obese Tub of Lard Michael Moore to Obama: Hire Me So We Can Do Jumping Jacks or Something

So cute to see Michael Moore indulging himself in some bizarre fantasy about replacing Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff. Typically, it's a rambling, incoherent rant sure to induce glazed eyes by the tenth paragraph, but I see it descends into farce quickly as the hardline master of agitprop begins picturing himself as Obama's gym teacher.

Now, don't get too giddy with excitement over my offer, because you and I are going to be up at 5 in the morning, seven days a week and I am going to get you pumped up for battle every single day (see photo). Each morning you and I will do 100 jumping jacks and you will repeat after me:

"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ELECTED ME, NOT THE REPUBLICANS, TO RUN THE COUNTRY! I AM IN CHARGE! I WILL ORDER ALL OBSTRUCTIONISTS OUTTA MY WAY! IF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M DOING THEY CAN THROW MY ASS OUT IN 2012. IN THE MEANTIME, I CALL THE SHOTS ON THEIR BEHALF! NOW, CONGRESS, DROP AND GIVE ME 50!!"

Then we will put on our jogging sweats and run up to Capitol Hill. We will take names, kick butts, and then take some more names. If we have to give a few noogies or half-nelson's, then so be it. In our pockets we will have a piece of paper to show the pansy Dems just how much they won by in 2008 -- and the poll results that show the majority of Americans oppose the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and want the bankers punished. Like drill sergeants, we will get right up in their faces and ask them, "WHAT PART OF THE PUBLIC MANDATE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, SOLDIER?!! DROP AND GIVE ME 50!"

Seriously, it's unlikely Moore has done a jumping jack since about 1975, let alone actually run, not to mention running up the Capitol. This guy is about a biscuit short of a quarter ton and he's going to do calisthenics? Haven't we had enough earthquakes recently? A couple minutes of jumping jacks from this tub of goo would activate seismograph needles along the eastern seaboard.

Not surprisingly, the PuffHosters lap it up.